An open letter to San Diego sports fans.

First of all I want to thank and congratulate you. The sight of so many of you using the trolley to get to and from football and baseball games is inspiring. Normally I would expect your stupid redneck asses to be in the seats of pickup trucks, polluting the environment, clogging up traffic and drunkenly ruining lives. So thank you for evolving beyond that.

Unfortunately you still haven’t quite attained the ranking of functional member of society. See I ride the trolley too, I take it to and from work, it’s convenient and allows me to catch my train out of town on time...unless there’s a ball game. I’ll admit, the system is a bit confusing in terms of what tickets to purchase and how your trip is classified in the automated ticket box. But that confusion shouldn’t carry over into your use of the train. The process there is quite simple, much like other doorways, elevators and bathrooms, when the doors open get on, when you want to get off, walk out the door. So why on earth is it that my trip takes an extra 5 minutes (~30%) longer?

So in a desire to try and get home on time, rather than having to wait 30-45 minutes for my next train here are some tips for riding the trolley:

You know that your stop is near the end of the line right, so get the fuck away from the door. You just stand there with your fat ass blocking everyone else from either getting on or off the train, costing us valuable time.
Pay attention to the people around you. If you see someone get up and move toward the door they probably want to get off, so let them get off.
Figure out how to use the door. Don’t stand there with your baseball glove in hand looking at the door longingly, as though your minimal cerebral powers had been able to harness the full spectrum of telekinetic powers. See the circle of green lights around the button? It’s right under the bilingual sign telling you to push it to open the door. Don’t wait around a minute to push it, causing the train to wait longer once again.

Thank you for taking this advice to heart, hopefully this will result in both me getting to my train on time and give you more time to get shit-faced; if you work with me on this you might not even remember the bottom of the fourth inning.