Bike porn

So like many cyclists out there I have on occasion classified bicycles as sexy. Given the aesthetics of their designs, high quality paint jobs and styling it’s not hard to see why they can come to be viewed as sexy. Of course I am limiting this description to the higher end bicycles. I’ll admit it, the bicycles that you can pick up from Walmart or any general sporting good store are just a bit too “plane Jane” for my tastes, in some cases I may go so far as to call them rather homely. For me the epitome of a sexy bike is any of the race ready bikes that you can find; the curved lines, exotic materials and choice components just make them look fast standing still.

Now every year most bicycle magazines do a “buyers guide,” which for most cyclists is really nothing more than pornography, and we’ll admit it. Now I should note that the mailed catalogues that we all get are nowhere near the level of pornography of the “buyers guides.” Sure, the catalogues may have the occasional rare beauty, but mostly they are similar to sleazy pulp porn; grainy images, nowhere near the quality of the “buyers guides” and rounded out with plenty of “fetish” accessories for you to chose from. The “buyers guides” on the other hand are the Playboys of the cycling world. With glossy, full-page spreads with pictures from all the flattering angles and even close-ups on some of the sexiest curves the comparisons are easy to make. They even go so far as giving “bios” of the bikes with their measurements and characteristics: ...with 3.5 lbs. frame weight and geometry that just begs you to hug every curve of the road at speed…

So with all that I can almost understand how a guy in Scotland came to be caught having sex with his bike. However I have never, and I cannot stress this enough, I have NEVER, tried to have sex with my bicycle. That’s just taking things too far...but if I ever did try I certainly wouldn’t do it in a hostel, though maybe he had one of those homely bikes, after all a relationship like that should be kept as private as possible.