Conferences

Monday I had the joy of spending the day in a room listening to a guy go on about how to write grants. I know you are all jealous of my life, but hey I had to suffer through years and years of schooling to get to this point, so I've earned the privilege.

Sitting in that room reminded me of one of the other great joys of being an academic, conferences! Sure you might get to travel to some warm/exotic location, or Regina but that's not the real joy. No for those of you who have yet to experience the wonder of a scientific conference. The true joy comes from sitting in darkened rooms while watching slide after slide of data that does one of two things: 1) it invalidates/undercuts/makes obsolete all the work you have been doing or 2) goes so far over your head that you feel like a mental midget and eventually fall asleep and out of your chair.

Ok, I was just kidding with that last part, the talks aren't the real fun. The true pleasure comes from being allowed to wear a real nifty name-badge. The seminar I was at on Monday tried to be all cool, but the name badges were actually just stickers with your name on it. Come on people, I'm not in kindergarten anymore, I want a damn lanyard and a plastic sleeve for my name tag. Obviously I the name sticker was beneath me and I didn't wear it, though you could see a number of them on the other less cultured individuals...you could tell they'd never been to a real conference.

Hell at a real conference you always get some kind of swanky bag to carry around. And these bags are so hip that everyone will be carrying them around everywhere. From the conference hall, to the hotel, even out to dinner and back to the airport. It helps you identify your fellow conference goers, though the badges that are constantly worn (if they are of good enough quality) is another tip. All these items of course have some massive logo for the conference with the year and city. I figure this is to that when you wake up in the back alley after the mugger takes your wallet and laptop bag (why are you carrying to bags, put the laptop in the conference bag) you'll be able to at least answer some of the questions the police have for you.

So next time you are at a conference remember, never ditch the complimentary bag and whatever you do, don't take off the name badge, that would be so un-cool.