If I could just missplace my checked baggage...

It's funny, as I was riding the bus to work this morning I was thinking about what I wanted to say in the blog today. Invariably my thoughts seem to have returned to my relationship with 'on-line girl'. Yeah, I'm being neurotic again, but at least I recognize that fact. But what is really funny is that in my regular blog reading I came upon a really well written post on Waiter Rant. From reading this guys posts for a few months I have to say that he is probably my favorite blogger. The guy can be ridiculously funny at times, and others, like today, so deep and moving it's scary. I just found it to be really odd that he has written about, essentially, the same topic I'm going to get into, only his is from a slightly different perspective.

So without further delay, let's open up some of my baggage. Yeah, a lot of this stuff is dirty, most of it I don't really think needs to be on public display, but it needs to be aired out if I want this trip to be worthwhile (how's that for some metaphorical writing?). Seriously though, I think we have all said or heard told of a person bringing 'baggage' into a relationship. I don't know about the rest of you, but up until this morning I thought that I was free of baggage, then I found a claim ticket in my pocket.

You see, though I haven't had many relationships, and most were not very long or even all that meaningful, I invariably picked up some souvenirs. Some of these were very worthwhile, they helped me figure out who I am, what I am looking for. Others seem to be a bit more like Montezuma's revenge, though this one in particular keeps coming back, and the vengeance doesn't seem to abate much with time.

Of all the things that I have learned, the one thing that I managed to teach myself, even though it isn't necessarily true, is that whoever I fall for will invariably leave me. Yeah, a good part of this baggage is from a relationship that ended around this time a couple of years ago. Things seemed to be good, but appearances were deceiving. And despite the fact that even her family suggested that she not leave me, she did. But that was the past, yet despite how much I say that, I can't help but worry that it's going to happen all again.

So every now and then I reach into my pocket and find that claim tag for the baggage I have with me. It reminds me of how things have occurred in the past, and as a scientist that means a hell of a lot. After all, my work focuses on reproducibility of results, I do not get awards or accolades for the rare, one in a million outcome, yet in terms of relationships that is what we are looking for, funny isn't it.

But if I'm going to take that kind of an approach about things maybe I should look a bit closer at the conditions of this experiment. All the evidence to date suggests that this is a rare reaction, it's not proceeding the way I have seen any other reaction proceed before. So even though I have learned from my past, I really should remember to look at the way things are going, to see that the same patterns aren't there, and that I shouldn't try to manipulate the data to make it fit. If it's not the same it's not the same, perhaps the outcome will be different as well.

So maybe it's time I stop playing with the baggage claim ticket. I've tried to lose it, and I will try again, and hopefully with a little bit of help the baggage will go to a different destination this time. It is comforting to realize that I have this baggage, not that I want it, but to acknowledge it is important. Ignoring it will only make things worse. And seeing as I have received another e-mail from 'on-line girl' while writing this, I think I'm in good shape. Hell, we have sent 20 e-mails between us since Monday morning, and seen each other Monday and Wednesday night...damn I really have been focusing on the wrong things.

Sorry you all have to witness my neuroses some more. But who knows, maybe I'm helping someone else out in the process. I know that the Waiter helped me this morning, so this is my way of passing it on, while helping myself gain some perspective.