New record

Apparently tonight my seeing 'on-line girl' again was a record. It seems that in the past she had not seen a guy she was dating three days in a row. So yeah, I rock! Nah, but it is interesting to know that even when she was dating a guy for four months that didn't happen. I think my bigger concern is that she might tire of me, but I have yet to tire of her, so why should she of me...ok, don't answer that one, you just might be able to shatter this deluded shell of self-confidence.

Then again, that may not be as easy to accomplish as it normally would. After all, 'on-line girl' has been very taken by how sweet I am. It seems that along with seeing her three days in a row, having someone be as kind and considerate as myself. The funny thing is that I don't think I am being any different than who I normally am. Which is nice, because it's not like it's something I have to work hard to be, but it also makes me wonder what the guys she had been with were like. It also has me a bit worried that somehow this aspect of my person will come back and bite me in the ass.

You know what, I think that last comment is a sign of some of the anxiety I'm feeling. I have to admit that I'm worried that this will all come to an end suddenly. I don't know at this time if this is just the baggage I carry from past relationships, or if it's something else. But I do worry about it, I suppose everyone does. Personally, I'm worried that I may scare her off, by coming on too strong or saying the wrong thing. To be honest, I though that I had fucked things up tonight. At one point while we were holding each other on her couch I told her that I adored her. Yeah, I know, too much, too soon, as soon as it came out of my mouth my mind was screaming at me for having said it. I wish I could say that all the fear was for not, but she got quiet and tucked her head to my shoulder and just stayed there for a long time, the longest time that we have not been talking yet. It's funny, I literally felt myself deflate some as I held her there, thinking that it was done, that was the last time I would be able to hold her, trust me, that is not a fun thought.

Thankfully it would seem that that was simply more of me being paranoid. I don't mind that she didn't say anything in response to my comment, I really didn't expect a response (ok, so having said it before I knew what I was doing is part of the reason, but just the same, I would not necessarily expect her to say anything in response). I can only infer at this point as to why she got quiet, I'm not dumb enough to question her as to why. But we continued to talk later, and kiss, and it all felt as it had before I opened my mouth. In fact things got a bit better as we realized it was about time for me to leave. She made the comment that she wished I 'didn't have to leave'. Of course I did have to leave, it's still too early on for me to stay over, we both know that, but the fact that the desire is there is a good sign (at least to my paranoid little mind).

I do have to say this, it is so much easier to be alone, and more or less emotionally level. But despite it being easier to be level, I don't think I would trade the highs that I have felt in the past couple of weeks for anything. Sure there are pitfalls, I can focus on the minor aspects that are less than ideal, but they are a minority of the time. There has been so much good that sometimes I really cannot see the forest for the trees.