Metrophobic

Yeah, so I made up the word I used for the title of this blog, so what! To be honest I think it's a highly accurate and appropriate word which has been lacking from the English language since the inception of the term "Metrosexual". I think by now we are all well aware of what the term Metrosexual is, and those who know me know that I pretty much fit the definition perfectly. By a strange coincidence (and it really is a coincidence) Deirdre has posted a blog detailing her perspective on Metrosexual men...I wonder who she's referring too? (I knew I shouldn't have said the comment that lead to point #9). But I'm sure you are all asking what is a Metrophobic?

Well, much like a lot of phobias it's based in an unfounded fear. And generally experienced my men entrenched in a nostalgic and tragically dated view of what masculine culture should represent. You know the type of guy I'm talking about, the kind that thinks that women are pristine delicate little flowers. That they are easily embarrassed/offended by any type of vulgar or sexual discussion. Come on guys, get with the times, women are as open about sex and sexuality as we are, if not more. If you don't believe me check out these blogs Example A and Example B. And let's face it, if you guys are supposed to be so tough why are you scared of wearing a pink shirt or using hair gel? To me that's the definition of being a pussy.

So, for the Metrophobics out there let me demystify some of the more common traits you see in the Metrosexual men around you. Perhaps with time you may even grow to appreciate and enjoy these things yourself.

Clothing: Ok, the first and most apparent aspect of clothing that most Metrophobes focus on is the colour. Yes, we metrosexuals will wear just about any colour we can find, and yes pink is now a very popular choice (too popular in fact, the in colour seems to have switched to purple, my prediction for the next colour is orange...or at least I hope so, I think I look good in orange). Now why are adult men so afraid of the colour pink? Is it the sexual identity associated with the colour pink? You know, as little babies it's always blue for boys pink for girls. You know why that was done, so that nurses can tell he little boys from the little girls in the nursery, that's all. You need more proof, how about the fact that women wear blue without turning into lesbians. So, go out and feel free to wear pink, you won't turn gay, women won't avoid you (in fact they may approach you without being totally drunk...no guarantees though, we haven't gotten to the grooming yet). So now that we have the colour down the other thing to remember is simple, buy clothes that FIT! You know that flow nicely with the shape of your body. It it looks like you're wearing your fathers shirt you aren't going to get far in life.

Grooming: Ok, this one is more subtle and can be even more scary. After all a lot of this will take place in the washroom, you know the place that you haven't cleaned since you moved into your apartment. Even scarier than that is the fact that you may have to go to a pleasant smelling store with all kinds of lotions, scrubs and soaps (though thankfully for the truly timid male you can always shop on-line). So the next time you are at a mall discretely slip into a Body Shop or similar store, don't worry your buddies won't see you, and if they are in there whatever you do don't acknowledge the fact that you know each other! Once you are in there you will need to find a few key items. Now don't be overwhelmed by all the products for women, hidden deep in each store is a section just for men, with manly products, made from: tigers blood, grizzly fur, wild horse sweat, baby seals and gun powder. Though if you can't find the mens section the womens products work just as well, only they re-label the ingredients as not to frighten the women-folk. So what you need is: shampoo, conditioner (and not in the same bottle), hair product, facial scrub and moisturizer. There are more products, but I want to start you off slow. Now it's really easy to use these things, though first you may want to napalm your washroom, just read the direction and use daily. Oh and while you're at it, get some chap stick, nail clippers and a nail file, and use them regularly! Even on your toes! No not the chap stick on your toes...moron!

Culture: Now this one is big, there are a lot of stereotypical male behaviour patterns that need to be shed to truly appreciate the metrosexual view of culture. For one, most popular North America sporting events don't fit with the metrosexual culture. Take football, the manly sport of pounding another guy into the ground...and putting your hands up against his perineum and slapping each other on the ass before heading to group showers. See you must remember, metrosexuals only dress gay, we aren't gay, so things like football and wrestling just don't work out well for us. Neither does NASCAR, but that's just because we have better things to do than watch cars drive in a circle for hours, hoping one of them crashes and explodes. Metrosexual activities include plays, indie movies, museums and other activities to which one would not bring a home-made sign or pain themselves in team colours. And why might you ask would a straight man pass up the opportunity to paint his friends backs? Well some of appeal of plays, indie movies, museums to the manly man can be summed up as: potential nudity, potential nudity, nudity and war. See those are some of the things you can see when you move away from the NFL, and trust me nobody is going to get bent out of shape if a nipple is seen in the museum.

So I hope that this has helped some of the metrophobes out there understand that there is nothing to fear of metrosexual style. It's not the first stop on the way to gay town, it's in fact a rebellion against the norm. Once leather jackets and earrings and motorcycles were being sported by scientists and software designers the whole James Dean rebel image lost a lot of luster. So a rebellion in the opposite direction was the next logical move. So you can either embrace metrosexality or be completely confused when modern women don't act like Ilsa from Casablanca and your interpretation of Rick is laughed at.