Morning bug

I don't know about the rest of you but for me mornings need to follow a bit of a routine. Particularly on weekdays when I need to get up early. Sure I'm able to function on little sleep, but it still takes a while for things to be running smoothly. So a routine makes things easier.

This morning there was a bit of a disruption to the routine. While I was in the kitchen I heard Deirdre, still in the bedroom, scream for me. This is never a good sign. Though I figured it was probably a spider so no big deal I'll just go in there and be a big man and squish it.

Now did I mention that I was kind of sleepy still? See had I been more alert it would have registered that this scream was a bit more urgent than the one's I've normally heard for spiders. But it was early and my brain was just kicking into gear.

As soon as I step into the room Deirdre shouts "There, behind the door!". Ok, so it's a spider no big deal. Now I should note at this point that there were no lights on in the room and being as early as it was my eyes take a second to focus. This is important because in the past I have occasionally had issues finding the spider that she spotted. Well this time it wasn't a question of where it was. This was no spider. This was one BIG ASS bug! I'm not kidding, this thing was something right out of MIB.

Now I've admitted to being metrosexual in the past, but that doesn't mean that I'm a wuss. There really aren't all that many things that will give me pause or concern. Well we can add this bug to the list of the things that will!

Here's how things played out:

I just kind of stood there for a second. I mean sure I might have liked to run out of the room and lock that beast in there behind me...but Deirdre was in there too, under the covers. So if I ever wanted to get under there with her ever again running wasn't an option. So what are my other options?

I could just grad her shoe and smash it, but that would be messy as hell.

There is a can of raid in the closet, but if I didn't kill the thing it would be pissed, but the closet is out in the hallway, outside of the bedroom...wait I can't run.

Ok, I'll just grab some Kleenex, at least that will buy me some time. Damn, it's still there...I was kind of hoping it would run, it has so many legs why is it just sitting there?

I know, let's turn on the light so I can "see it better"...what, it didn't still didn't run?...oh my god that thing looks even bigger in the light! It actually casts a shadow along the wall!

Ok, I can't stall any longer, it's down to this: it's life, or my sex life, there's no way both are walking out of the room alive. Damn, I need more Kleenex, I'm sure this fucker is going to be juicy.

Time to suck it up and crush the little thing...ok it's almost as big as my hand, why couldn't it be on the floor where I can step on it? I like stepping on things, I can crush them better that way. Alright, here we go!

Shit, I only got half of him! Quick, crush the rest of it! Good done...wait, did all the Kleenex cushion the blow? What if he's wrapped up in there in a nice safe cocoon waiting for me to relax my grip? He could spring from there and jump down my throat and eat me from the inside out in a matter of minutes!

I know, elastics! That's the ticket, wrap that ball of Kleenex in elastics before I let go of it.

Ahh...it's all clear now honey! Though if you find some broken elastics we're getting the hell out of here.

So that's how my morning started. Oh and just in case you are wondering what kind of a wuss I am, below is a picture of the bug. Maybe you can deal with that at 6:00 am, I 'd rather not.